Who the Hell Do You Think I Am!
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: Set during SH4. Eileen wants Henry to know something very important. Pure, random crack. Literal Henry-bashing. Beware of OOC!


**Disclaimer:** All characters and locations belong to their respective owners.

_WARNING: This is what happens when I watch Gurren-Lagann, an SH4 walkthrough on YouTube, and add Fallout 3 at the last minute. Despite the below content, I have no hard feelings for either Henry or Eileen. This piece was purely written for fun (and spontaneity). Beware of random crack and OOC! You have been warned._

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**Who the Hell Do You Think I Am?**

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Henry Townshend descended the stairs of the Building World at a brisk jog with his axe in hand. He had the code for the door locked in the recreation room, one that would lead deeper into the Walter Sullivan mystery. Speaking of which, he could not delay; somewhere up above said man prowled the rusted halls, revolver cocked and loaded. Henry could not afford to be caught, or worse be killed, by him.

The ground leveled, and around the corner there was a metal door. Townshend crossed the distance and stood before it. His free hand reached for the knob—

"_Henry . . . Townshend . . . ._" growled a low, feminine voice.

Henry stiffened. That was Eileen, and it didn't sound like her at all! _'Could she have finally been possessed . . . ?'_ he wondered fearfully. Turning around, he came to face the exhausted, bloodied Eileen Galvin, and called her name.

The young woman doubled over, panting for breath. She lifted her head, eyes half-lidded with an unreadable glean. "Henry," she said, blandly. "Th-There's . . . there's something . . . I need . . . t-to tell you. Something . . . _VERY_ important."

Henry swallowed thickly. "Wh-What is it?" He gripped the axe more tightly.

Eileen rose to her full height. "Wh-Wh-Who . . . the h-h-hell . . . d-do y-you THINK I AM?!" She locked Townshend with bared teeth and a fiery, murderous gaze.

The young man blinked, confused. "What are you talking about--?"

"Don't lie to me! Just _who the hell do you think I am_, leaving me to eat your dust and fend for myself when I have nothing to fight back with? Who THE HELL do you think _YOU ARE_ trying to be all high an' mighty?"

"I-I'm sorry, Eileen!" Henry stammered. "I didn't know you felt way! I-I was only trying to protect you—"

She snorted, derisively. "Yeah? Well, protect this! **GET BENT FIST!**" And her free hand, the one that was not bound to bandages or a cast, shot out and slammed into Henry's stomach.

He doubled over, gasping. Eileen reared her head back, cried, **"DON'T ASK FOR MERCY SMASH!"**, and squarely butted him with enough force to knock him to the floor.

Townshend groaned, clapping his hands over his bleeding forehead. "Ahhh! O-Oh, Eileen! Have you always felt like this?"

"Up until the moment you ditched me on top of Building World gettin' my ass riddled wit' Sullivan's bullets!" Galvin retorted sharply. "Now stay down and be a good boy, **'CAUSE I'M GONNA BUST YOUR NUTS 'TIL THEY BURST COMBO KICK!**" And she lifted her foot and delivered judgment with a series of stomps, each faster and harder than the last.

Her victim scrambled to protect his undefended jewels. "OW! OW! OW! AHHH! OW! OW! STOP, STOP! STOP THE MADNESS! STOP! I'LL DO BETTER, I PROMISE! JUST STOP HURTING ME! OW! OW!"

"THAT'S what I want to hear," Eileen purred, a sadistic grin capturing her scratched face. "Now, where were we?"

"At your deaths!" growled an evil, familiar voice.

Henry paled; eyes snapped wide open and body struck stiff with fear. Galvin turned to the man in the trenchcoat, his revolver aimed at her.

Walter Sullivan!

The madman smirked. "Time to die!" He pulled the hammer back, and Henry gave a high-pitched scream.

_BWEEN!_ A laser beam pistoned straight into Sullivan, and right before the pair's very eyes he glowed and crumbled to a pile of ash and sand.

Henry blinked. "What . . . the hell?" he murmured incredulously.

Eileen blew away the smoke filtering from the alien blaster's barrel. "How's that for a Mexican Standoff, bitch? Your game's over." She twirled the weapon once, pocketed it in Hammer Space, and sighed. "Well, I'm bored. Hey, you wanna go up on the UFO?"

"_HUH?!"_

She suddenly had a radio in her hand, and into it she raucously said, "Bring 'er in, boys!"

The ceiling exploded. A column of light swallowed the room in its blinding intensity, and a harsh, cool wind blew. Somewhere high above, metal kissed metal, and a hiss sounded.

From the hole appeared long, oval-shaped heads, each encased in shadow.

Henry's pupils shrank.

Eileen produced a devil-may-care grin. "Let's blow this shit-hole!" She held out her hand—

And Henry fainted.

**TEH EDN.**


End file.
